Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
