Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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