look no pants
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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