It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
