I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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