My Higher Power is John Stamos
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
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