i need an iv and a liver transplant
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
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