at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
