remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
