My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Randomize
