I seem to have left my pride at pride
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
