before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
