we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Randomize
