listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
