Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
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