Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
