i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
