i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
