I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
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Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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