you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Randomize
