Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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