K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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