A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
