Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
