We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
