im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
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My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
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If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize