When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
