Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
There's always time for handjobs
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
