my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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