direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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