also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
