I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
