Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
