That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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