I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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