8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
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