I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
