i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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