I need to stop coming to work sober
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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