I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
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I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
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