my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I intend to get homeless drunk
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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