I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
