Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
