Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Randomize
