You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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