Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
