Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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