I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
