too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
