So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
