singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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