I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
