Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
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